I posed a challenge to a friend yesterday, and upon
contemplating my challenge, I realized just how difficult an assignment it was.
You see, I asked him to think about what he feels most passionately about, and list his top five. I
specified that these things should be
passions. After all, one could
be passionate in their detestation of, say, raw seafood or human trafficking.
No, my challenge was for him to ponder what sets his mind and/or heart alight, or what drives him in the here and now.
I told him I didn’t want to know his answers; only that he think about it. So I
decided to take on the challenge myself, and the challenge proved far more
difficult than I’d anticipated.
What is passion? Dictionary.com defines passion as follows:
1. any powerful or
compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. strong amorous
feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3. strong sexual
desire; lust.
4. an instance or
experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5. a person toward
whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6. a strong or
extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
7. the object of
such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
8. an outburst of
strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
9. violent anger.
There are others, but they do not apply to the train of thought I am aiming for.
There are many "ordinary" things that I feel passionately about. For instance, like probably almost everyone on this big beautiful planet, I am fiercely passionate
about love (whether familial, romantic, or friendship), and my desire to both give and receive it. I’m passionate about the
beauty of nature: a breathtaking sunrise, a snow-covered mountain, a delicate
butterfly’s wing. I’m passionate about my personal interests: tennis, literature, art... there are many things I feel passionate about. But these
things are rather obvious and expected, even though they are most assuredly true and legitimate passions. But I want to dig deeper. What is it that is
uppermost in my mind at this particular moment of my life? What drives me now?
For the purposes of this self-imposed assignment, I believe
that the sixth item on the definitions list above most accurately points toward
what I was asking from my friend and now, from myself. After careful
contemplation, I’ve come up with several. I’ll share them with you one by one.
The first on my list, and the topic of today’s post, is my desire to regain my
health and be the best me I can be. That sounds so cliché, so let me put it in
a way that might give you a greater appreciation of my truth: I want to save my
life, and furthermore, I want to truly live it! I’m ready. It’s time.
Does a goal equal a passion? In my mind it does, and the first is to be well. Truly, wholly well. I guess you could say that my number one passion at this juncture is my own health and fitness.
Frankly, I’ve been neglectful of both my mental and physical
health these past years, and I have an ardent desire to change that and
emulate the people who I most admire in my life: Ivi, Claudia, Andrea, Paulo,
James, Wendy, Donna…there are many others. The common denominator that these
people share is a life of balance that includes being extremely diligent about
maintaining their health. I want that for myself, too. I believe that if I just
keep to the path I’ve outlined for myself, the rest will follow.
The past eight years have been extremely challenging, and
somewhere along the way I lost myself. It was, quite frankly, like I was
drowning. I felt myself slip below the surface many times, but I managed to
come back up for air each time. Grief and trauma, difficult transitions and
loss consumed me, and I quit caring about myself for a while. I ate to excess
to mask my emotions, and I drank too much for the same reasons. I chain-smoked
cigarettes (and the occasional joint), and even used cocaine now and then. I
self-medicated in all the worst ways: anything to forget. Even worse, I kept to
myself and wallowed in my sorrow. I withdrew from family, friends, and indeed
the world.
On several occasions I vowed to force myself to get better. I'd make a few positive steps then slide back beneath the surface, only to keep trying to come up for air again. Then, finally, one day I decided that I was done wallowing
in the past. I knew I had to make a concerted effort to get a handle on my life
and my desire to be well…or at least better. No more letting setbacks get the better of me.
Recently I've begun to get involved in different activities in order to meet new friends whose lifestyles merge with my desire to live a life of healthy moderation,
including riding my motorcycle, learning to dance, and resuming yoga practice. I still stumble and fall
back into unhealthy patterns now and then, but with each setback I pick myself
up off the ground and set forth with even greater determination. I recently
lost a significant amount of weight and I have all but eliminated the
cigarettes. I still struggle with my nicotine addiction, but definite progress
is being made. I swore off the coke (which was a very brief episode anyway: I
realized just how seductive cocaine can be and knew that with my tendencies, I
was playing with fire… so I nipped that one in the bud fast!)
As for alcohol, I don’t drink nearly as much as I used to,
but probably still more than I should. I’m considering eliminating alcohol from
my life altogether but that’s such a dismal proposition that I’m not ready to
make that commitment yet. I believe that I am heading in that direction,
though. I just have a strong instinct that my life would be better if I said
goodbye to booze altogether, but it’s been part of my life since I was 14. A
big part of my life, if I am to be honest. To say goodbye to my old “friend” is
scary.
I’ve started taking yoga classes. I’ve amped up my tennis
play to at least three times each week. I have other plans for increasing my
physical activity, too: weekly hikes, occasional kayaking, stand-up-paddling,
etc. And though I absolutely hate going to the gym, I feel that it’s something
I really need to do. Nothing beats resistance training for reshaping the body,
so maybe with this stellar playlist I’ve created on Spotify, I can distract
myself from how much I hate lifting weights!
That’s the plan of action for my continued pursuit of
physical health. Equally as important, and maybe more so, is the pursuit of my
mental health. Mental health is something most people take for granted. In my
family, however, mental health is an attribute many of us struggle to hold
onto. My family tree is chock full of nuts, and I’d have to say I’m one of
them. I have been for a very long time. I’ve found coping strategies that have
gotten me through with tolerable success, and sometimes I’ve actually even felt
good! But I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and despite therapy and my
best efforts, I can’t do it without medication. I accepted that long ago.
Sadly, sometimes those medications simply quit working, and I am forced to go back
to the drawing board in pursuit of a new treatment. Which is where I find
myself now.
I’ve been on a roller-coaster and I want to get off. Time
for balance, healthy choices, and eliminating the extremes. I can do this with
a healthy diet, exercise, and the help of my therapist and psychiatrist. And
I’m sure I’ll get by…with a little help from my friends! And yes, I've attempted to follow these resolutions before with only mixed success, but mixed success is better than no success. But you know what? I may be extremely fallible, but baby, I've come a long way. And my determination to succeed will eventually get me there.
So…a post that began about passion somehow evolved into a
post about goals pursuant to the realization of optimal health. Don’t quite
know how it happened, but there you go. And in sharing this very personal
information with you, I am making myself accountable. I’ll keep you apprised of
my progress.
But yeah. I‘m passionate about getting and staying healthy.
Affirmations: I am healthy! I am athletic! I live life in moderation and balance!
Cheers!
(Oh…I’m pretty passionate about Crème Brûlée, too.)
INGREDIENTS
2 cups heavy or light cream, or half-and-half
1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise, or 1 teaspoon vanilla
extract
⅛ teaspoon salt
5 egg yolks
½ cup sugar, more for topping
PREPARATION
1. Heat oven to 325
degrees. In a saucepan, combine cream, vanilla bean and salt and cook over low
heat just until hot. Let sit for a few minutes, then discard vanilla bean. (If
using vanilla extract, add it now.)
2. In a bowl, beat
yolks and sugar together until light. Stir about a quarter of the cream into
this mixture, then pour sugar-egg mixture into cream and stir. Pour into four
6-ounce ramekins and place ramekins in a baking dish; fill dish with boiling
water halfway up the sides of the dishes. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes, or until
centers are barely set. Cool completely. Refrigerate for several hours and up
to a couple of days.
3. When ready to
serve, top each custard with about a teaspoon of sugar in a thin layer. Place
ramekins in a broiler 2 to 3 inches from heat source. Turn on broiler. Cook
until sugar melts and browns or even blackens a bit, about 5 minutes. Serve
within two hours.
